Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
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Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Cinematography is my passion
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Okay, I’m still confused…
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*