Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
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Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
How animals would run if they were human
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My last name is Zilla.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably