Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
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I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
💀😭
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON