major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
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[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.