major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
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“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I saw this ending much differently.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Previously On Persistence 😎
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”