@markleggett

MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
GROUND CONTROL: She knows.
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?
GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.

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@just1fool

My six replaced the toilet paper roll all on her own and now I’m wondering who her real dad is.

@jonnysun

bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”

@littleliterally

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

@Sassafrantz

I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”

@_elvishpresley_

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

@darksidedeb

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

@TheCatWhisprer

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

@jrza84

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

@mela_shea

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

@LoveNLunchmeat

[deathbed]
Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics?

-Just face, Dad. She’s very modest

She’s. A. Dude.
*flatlines*