MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?

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My six replaced the toilet paper roll all on her own and now I’m wondering who her real dad is.


bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”


Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.


I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”


kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*


[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.


MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this


I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.


I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.


Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics?

-Just face, Dad. She’s very modest

She’s. A. Dude.