Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

Beware of fowl play.

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

🤣😈🤣

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.