Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.