Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
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Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
become ungovernable
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
dream blunt rotation
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
My biological clock is wheezing.
The Weeknd is back
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Maths meets science
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case