Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
You Might Also Like
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Not helping
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
based
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…