Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
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Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
January has been Januweary
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.