Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
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Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
this is what they would have looked like, though
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”