Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
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I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
💯😂
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.