Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
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I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body