Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
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shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
You better watch out
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no