Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
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Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold an object in your hands for a minute and if it doesn’t bring you any joy you say goodbye.
So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the hoover, and a pile of ironing…
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
What?!?
They’re the worst 😩
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely