Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
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It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?