Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

When you’re Kinky but poor

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

Welcome to the stomach

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango