Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
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Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life