Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

They’re called werewolves.

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.