Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?