Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?