Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
You Might Also Like
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?