MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
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9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…