MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
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No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
do horses think humans are hats
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
My dog after a walk in the woods.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.