MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
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I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.