MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
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Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes