Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
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I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.