Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
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I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me