Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys