Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
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British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999