Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

nobody’s gonna understand

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.