friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
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OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don’t know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll?
I’m so confused!!
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
“Johnny Depp looks good in that outfit!”
“That’s Diane Keaton.”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
CHRISTEN: thank you