Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

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friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet


OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don’t know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll?

I’m so confused!!


ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.


Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*


Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.


Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon


Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself


My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.


CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten


CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime