Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
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Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.