Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
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Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.