Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
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I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Look Ma, no handle on things
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter