Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
You Might Also Like
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms