Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!