Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
You Might Also Like
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.