Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands