Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
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Oops. The surgery went well but…..
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Morning all.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME