Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
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When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next