Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

If I ignore life will it go away?

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜