Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
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client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
A male goth is called a broth.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…