“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
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“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger