“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
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[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
the internet really was better 18 years ago
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
They also CAN sing✌️
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.