Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
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[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Well, that should do it
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.