Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
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Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
saving face 👀
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Anyone really
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!