Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
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DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices