Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
oh my gosh!!
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”