Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
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I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
In banana years, I am bread.