Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
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YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
lmfao come on
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”