“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
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My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.