“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
You Might Also Like
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
The cashier just checked me out.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
You learn something every day
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.