Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

This is my emotional support knife.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review