Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
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“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
i- i did not expect this
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
greetings!
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”