Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

why am I working on Labor Day

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.