Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

Tremendous stuff

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names