Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A leaf blower, but for people.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.