“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
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[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
*praying for world peace*
God:
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.