“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
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Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
You had me at “define legal”.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Venn
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.