“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
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can’t bark with your mouth full
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣