Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

okay run it by me one more time

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

All set.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank