Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”