Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
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My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine