“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
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[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.