@samdunsiger

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

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@bealescore

celebrities be like omg 🙄 quarantined in my 30 room mansion with a personal theater, olympic pool and 50 acre yard for the next month. soooooo bored. just know we’re all in this with you guys! 🙏🏼

@3sunzzz

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

@TheAlexNevil

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

@david8hughes

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

@realHamOnWry

Don’t let them fool you. Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani.

@brynnester

[First Date]
Her: *shyly* I like a man with a big dong
Me: *rings the largest of my musical bells* How was that?

@xLiserx

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.