Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
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Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Sorted
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.