Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
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Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Never go to sleep after making me angry
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Just added something to my bucket list.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
