Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

Cause of death: Zumba

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult