Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
You Might Also Like
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Creative Problem Solving
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police