Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
You Might Also Like
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
neighborhood watch
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary