Make me look younger
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[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
technique
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
me to God
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.