Make me look younger
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Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.