Make new friends? bro out of what?
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Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
How does someone manage that 🤨
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.