Make new friends? bro out of what?
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Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast