Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
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Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I’ve been lied to my entire life
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude