Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
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DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
(True)
mariah carrie
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Catering service
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.