Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
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[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.