make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
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The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
