make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
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On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
cat vs inanimate object
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.