make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
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[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”