Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
You Might Also Like
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
We avoided this particular disaster
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
